Albedo, Magical Thief Extraordinaire
by Kyone
Summary: Albedo is the greatest magical thief of all time...either that or he's a total ripoff (and not a good one, either). Fear the catsuit-wearing man!


Albedo, Magical Thief Extraordinaire

I don't own Xenosaga, nor do I own any other anime or manga that will be parodied/ destroyed in this story (among them Evangelion and Cardcaptor Sakura). This will most certainly be odd, and I did edit, meaning I got people to look at it and tell me if it was any good. They liked it, but please understand that the bashing of shows/characters/songs is strictly for humor. Enjoy.

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Act 0: A theme song performance by Albedo!

"Once upon a time, there was a young man who was emotionally disturbed and piloted a giant, demonic robot. This...is not his story. It could have been, but no..."

A few shouts of "Get on with it!" were heard, as well as the sounds of heavy objects being thrown. As Shion dragged off Allen's unconscious body, various cheers were heard, accompanied by tumultuous applause.

And thus, the curtain rose on the tragedy that was...the theme song.

Albedo stood somewhere (perhaps the setting of this wonderful story?), wearing a "magical girl" outfit (think Cardcaptor Sakura) and holding a microphone. He bowed slightly, then broke into the most horrible rendition of "Catch You, Catch Me" that had ever been heard since the song had been written/created. It's not even that good to begin with, and he was only making it worse, not only because his voice was not made to sing that song, but also because he kept singing the chorus over and over and over.

Noticing that everyone else was gone, Albedo paused for a moment. The psycho grinned like a...psycho, then resumed singing.

"Hora catch you, catch you, catch me, catch me, matte,

Kotchi wo muite suki da to itte,

Sou, nice to meet you, good to see you, kitto,

Atashi no omoi anata no ha-to ni

Tonde, tonde, tonde, yuke,

MA-YO-WA-NA-I!"

We will now lower the curtain on this tragedy...

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Act 1: Enter the plot device...err...boyfriend

Albedo was in front of the mirror, trying on various outfits. 'I have a date tonight,' he thought with a giggle.

-Flashback-

"I've liked you for such a long time, and..." Albedo stood outside the school, looking uncharacteristically feminine in the girls' uniform.

The figure in front of him looked into Albedo's big, sparkly eyes. "That's...nice..."

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"Why?" Because of the little belief that anime females are crybabies, Albedo began to cry.

"You didn't say 'please'."

"Will you please go out with me?"

"Okay!" This person was revealed to be none other than...chaos.

"Woo-hoo!" Albedo proceeded to do a semi-out-of-character happy dance, consisting of throwing his arms in the air and waving them from side to side, all the while performing ballet-like leaps and bounds (something that's really hard to do; I've tried.).

"Okay..." chaos inched away from Albedo's insanity.

-End Flashback-

"This is gonna be wonderful!"

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Act 2: My pet is balder than your pet

"Albino!" Albedo's magical ripoff creature, Kerocattus, flew over (as many magical creatures do). "You have a mission tonight!"

"But I have a date! And my name's Albedo!"

Kerocattus wasn't in a good mood. "I don't give a damn!" Actually, he was never in a good mood. Not only had he been banished to Earth or wherever this takes place), but Kerocattus had another problem, one that could have been (but wasn't) curable.

Kerocattus was bald.

"Kerocattus, I have a date. A date!"

"No."

Not wanting to get bitten, Albedo gave in, not without a few angry remarks, mainly along the lines of "You bald meanie!"

He finally picked up the phone to call chaos. Unfortunately, he not only dialed Alcoholics Anonymous, the phone was eaten by a creature that materialized out of nowhere. "He'll find out sooner or later."

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Act 3: Damn cross-references

Albedo pulled a box out from under his bed. Clutching his spandex catsuit to his chest, he was filled with memories.

-Flashback-

"My first mission!" Albedo squealed, high enough that all the dogs in town began howling. He pulled out his ultra-spiffy catsuit and pulled it on with some difficulty (meaning he fell down the stairs at least once). He then found a plastic wand (labeled "Sailor Moon") and pushed a button, watching in amusement as the decorative heart on the end lit up. "This rocks!"

"Read the spellbook, young Albino." Kerocattus angrily instructed. "The 'time stop' spell is quite useful."

"It's Albedo." He flipped through the instruction manual. "Time stop, time stop..." _See freeze._ He flipped back a few pages. _Freeze: See time stop._ He angrily threw the book, hitting Kerocattus in the head. "What the hell?!"

-End Flashback-

Albedo sighed happily. "Those were the days..."

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Act 4: Magical Thief Albedo...strikes again!

Dresses in his ultra-spiffy catsuit (yes, it is called the "ultra-spiffy catsuit"), Albedo snuck up to a big house...in broad daylight. "Here we go!" He grinned in a psychotic way. "It's Showtime!"

Kerocattus appeared. "No stealing direct lines."

Albedo tried again. "It's Playboy Channel!" (No, this isn't my idea either...)

The winged creature fell out of the air. "Umm...that's great..."

"Thought so!" Albedo doesn't know sarcasm...

He busted the window with his plastic wand and snuck in. The (obviously) rich man in front of him fell flat on his butt upon seeing entry of a man in a (very tight) catsuit. I'll leave the mental imagery up to you.

Albedo rushed up to the man, hit him with the wand, then ran off. "Take that!"

If anything did happen, the man was angrier. Albedo ran past everything a thief might like to steal (displayed in the hallway), and made a break to the kitchen, where he jumped up on the kitchen island. "The magical thief Albedo...strikes again!"

He grabbed a spatula, then exited the house the way he came.

Meanwhile...

Still waiting for Albedo at the park, chaos checked his watch. "I wonder where he is?"

Back to Albedo...

"You stole a spatula..."

"Yup."

"A spatula. You went into a rich man's house and stole a spatula."

"Yeah."

"Nice..."

Albedo once again missed Kerocattus' sarcasm and happily struck a pose (this is considerably easier: twirl around, then stand on one foot, arms spread out). "The magical thief Albedo...strikes again!"

"Oh my God..."

Albedo lost his balance at this point, falling over, so let us leave him for now.

-End Chapter 1-

Tis all for now; there will most likely be more if there are reviews...and yes, I did do something like Albedo. In seventh grade, I would strike a pose, then yell: "Dark Mousy...strikes again!" Now, one year later, I fear I haven't changed much.


End file.
